Despite rapidly advancing work across the sciences, the means by which neurochemical brain activity engenders subjective conscious experience (such as the pain of a stubbed toe, or of a lingering regret) can still seem entirely mysterious, and perhaps requiring scientific revolution rather than evolution. Quantum ‘theories’ of consciousness capitalize on this suspicion but, in the absence of generating testable predictions or unifying insights, they presently do little to advance our understanding of this fundamental biological property.